The Adventures of Hackerdom, Routine 1 by The Infamous Hacker Tendai Mutunhire

At last, we come to the weighty matter of the Metaphysics
This men who are not novices have chanced to know
Some politicians promise you Coffeescript before the election
And then they switch and mudsling with JavaScript instead
Tis little wonder the Fed’s rates can only go up, up like Stroustrup’s C++

Even when politicians know they cannot deliver Ruby and gems
No, not in a thousand null dreams
They are likely to sell you on fools gold and Smalltalk

If a ruler in Africa is a corrupt
Ada say he’s likely to be a dictator
From such a one run, fast! and avoid the falling bytecode
The Apple never falls far from the tree, C!

Beware the obfuscation of parenthesis
Especially if you spy a Lisp or hesitation in the man’s talk

Townhalls and C# leave to beliebers and musicians
Focus instead on the sincerity of the Lambda calculus
The simplicity of Biryani haskell curry is antidote enough for the mind against these foos
Fie, let not such a silly sound as F# recurse your Compojure

If ever you are in Timbuktu,
Remember me to a zoo Python there, where I loved a fair damosel once
But Alas, she left me for her voodoo and ouija boards
For her name,
Scarcely remembered now I struggle to recall, was the delightful whimsical ‘Perl’

So took I to distilled concatenated, minified, liquified drink,
Some call it punch, others the precious mountain dew,
Ah ‘t delights me to quaff the prescient Elixir
When on a sandy beach in Galicia I happen to repose
Methinks it bestirs my soul like the famed Phoenix bird

If a masked Cowboy should happen you to accost,
Fear not him, it is Erlang, harmless Erlang,
Joust with him best as you can,
Strike him in play, without killing his vivant process,
But avoid his iron guns, the stinging Ejabberd and the mysterious Beam

Now here’s the moral of the tale
If ’tis bliss you seek, traveler,
Ah, all travelled enough men know
(Ask Stahlman or Raymond or Barski)
That only can be found
In the far-off storied Realm of Racket

This is the first installment of an attempt to create a light-hearted “long-form epic” story of Hackerdom. Contributions are welcome.

If you have suggestions, would like to contribute or comments, feel free to email me: hackishword@gmail.com